kerfuffled consistency

I saw this word last week and immediately wanted to use it somehow - "kerfuffle." I have never come across a word I wanted to incorporate into my smallish vocabulary as much as this one! So much that it is written on a bright yellow post-it at my school desk.

From dictionary.com
— n
1. informal chiefly ( Brit ) commotion; disorder; agitation
— vb
2. ( Scot ) ( tr ) to put into disorder or disarray; ruffle or disarrange

I saw the word used as a verb when I fell in like with it, but since investigating the definition I feel I could use "kerfuffle" to describe how I am feeling as of late. Agitated and disordered.

You see, I am a girl of order, consistency, a creature of serious habit. I am very independent and strive for as much consistency in my life day in and day out. Many friends and family would probably agree that if I am thrown for a loop in my regular planning I tend to be very out of sorts for quite some time. While this past week was a good exercise in returning to consistency I feel I have fallen off the consistency wagon again today. And really, would lump the past two weeks into the wagon.
My workouts last week were decent - certainly better than the previous week when I couldn't get my padunkadunk out of bed much less workout. This past week I was able to get a workout in every day and even had a few "awesome" workouts. Today - meh. I have no drive, no energy, no motivation, nothing. I feel I am living in commotion. I have no answers to items on my plate. I feel very disordered. I feel kerfuffled. I HATE IT. I ate 3 bowls of cereal at 8pm last night - now you know how disordered I feel.

Naturally, I am trying to figure out what my problem is and this is hard to say, it seems like I am just unhappy. I mean, I am generally a very happy go lucky person...so, pardon me, but WTF?

Normally my workouts are my motivation, my significant other and my solid ground - the backbone behind my consistent life. When these are not consistent I find myself thinking more and more about the other aspects of my life that are in a state of kerfuffle. The lack of a significant other in my life to share my thoughts, desires, dreams with, my lack of children that are mine, the future of my mom's health, my own ticking uterus and ovaries, my nearer-than-ever (thank God) expensive (relatively speaking, imo) divorce, my taxes that have to be re-filed, what I've lost over the past couple of years, NOT what I've gained which is what ideally I SHOULD think about (what have I gained anyway? besides a increased love for caffeine and coffee and not necessarily in that order), my lack of any DRIVE, ABILITY TO LOVE, MOTIVATION, PATIENCE. argh.

It's actually starting to worry me. Should I be seeking help? No, that's not what Erin does. She is fine...or, is she? I tried starting to tan again - for the mental aspect (what else is tanning for, really?!) While that is helping, it's not the answer. Is the winter starting to actually GET to me? Is it still not accepting my living situation? Is it struggling to be happy for those who have what I want? Do I need vitamin D supplements? Should I be sleeping more? Less? What if I broke down and subscribed to cable tv? Even if I had to put it on a credit card, would that help? Should I seek help of a professional? Should I pay for a race registration instead of dreaming of signing up so that I have an event/something to look forward to? Should I get out of town for a day or two? Well, that costs money, so that won't happen. Should I tell people to go to hell?

I DON'T KNOW!

And that's the problem. I'm disordered. #226 is in a kerfuffle.

Stay tuned...meh.

PS Now that the Superbowl is over we can look forward to something better than football....baseball!